If I had known… 

Known that Rose would be gone by age 44,

Known that Ruby would be gone by age 55,

Known that Rene would be gone by age 66,

Known that Mom would be gone at 92,

Would it have made a difference? Would I have cherished our moments together with more joy? Or would the fore-knowledge of their demise have just created a fog of sadness and regret before I had even had a chance to celebrate them? 

For each of these precious people in my life, there is a deep void in my soul  that will never again be filled with their laughter, their smiles, their love, their essence…

I will never again be able to put my head in my mom’s lap after she made me my tea with just the right amount of sugar – one and three quarters teaspoon and feel the gentle touch of her fingers as she ran them through my hair making me feel like nothing in this world could ever harm me and that everything would be okay.

I will never again get to laugh with Rene as we reminisced about our most cherished (as well as traumatic) memories and antics from our childhood together. 

I will never be able to tell Rose I love her – because I don’t ever remember saying those words out loud. Even when I knew I was saying my last goodbye to her as she sat in her wheelchair, puffy and in pain from the cancer that had invaded her body, on her deck waving as I drove off. A lasting memory in the reflection of my rearview mirror. 

I’ll never again get to experience how special Ruby made me feel whenever I visited her in our adult years. Always putting together something special just for me- whether it was a special meal, or a special gift, or the words she would say like, “I’m so proud of you, Lude.”

Hold your loved ones close to your heart and soul. Cherish them every moment you can. Be present with them and tell them how much you love them, or even better, show them. Living with the regret of not saying the words… or of missing a milestone in their life… or of letting too much time pass between visits or phone calls…

I am… living with both the joy and sorrow of the last goodbyes.